I guess you could say I wanted to make an impression on my newest love interest – me. My recent transformation began much like dating. I began courting myself. You see, I used to hide from myself. I never felt worthy of love. I added layers of protection and tried to stay invisible.
At age 39 I decided once and for all, it was time to change trajectory. I started showing up.
It started with 4:30 morning alarm clocks and hitting the gym. It took a big commitment to myself and to my “why” to keep showing up day after day and choice after choice. It took an investment that I first told myself I couldn’t afford but knew deep down inside I couldn’t afford NOT to.
Over 14 weeks I have celebrated what has unfolded. I have also mourned what is no longer. I have had fears facing the new me in a dressing room mirror that left me sitting cross legged in a pile of clothes sobbing while wearing a fitted shirt for the first time in many years. I have had to take double takes in a glimpse in the mirror realizing with shock that it was ME I saw reflected but not recognized.
Realizing as I am shedding layers I need to show up in all I do raw and authentically me. While I am proud of the results on my scale and the telltale signs of a dedicated gym practice, the work is really just beginning. The pile of my now too big clothing to be donated outweighs the number of clothes hanging in my closet. And although I no longer need to wear baggy clothes or pluck my shirt away from my middle while I am sitting down, I still find myself wanting to retreat to those safe and familiar places where used to hide. But I made a commitment to love myself and to open my heart. I am here to share my story with you because of that commitment. And perhaps one day, I will be truly comfortable in my new skin.
“Butterflies can’t see their wings. They can’t see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well.”
What commitments are you making to yourself? Does the idea of needing to invest, whether it’s time, money, or in other ways trip you up? What are you learning as you start to transform? Please share in the comments below.